


It's Always the Same, It's Just a Shame

by justheretobreakthings



Series: That's All (Season 7 Palate Cleansers) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Maximum Hurt/Minimum Comfort, Self-Worth Issues, season 7 episode 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 02:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15698745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justheretobreakthings/pseuds/justheretobreakthings
Summary: “Just drift off on your own, Mr. Lone Wolf,” Lance had said.So he did.





	It's Always the Same, It's Just a Shame

He hadn’t thought things through when he left the others. He hadn’t thought things through at all, really, not while he’d been with them, linked at the elbows, succumbing to silence and exhaustion and starting to let slip whatever horrible thought came to his mind.

The others, they had started to slip too, he was pretty sure. They had all been seeing things, they had all been saying things. Keith had just been the worst of it.

It was strange, really. He was the one most experienced with isolation and silence and emptiness; logic said he should have been able to hold out longest out of them all.

Then again, being experienced with something wasn’t the same as being used to it.

And it definitely wasn’t the same as liking it. Because he didn’t. He hated it, hated being out in the emptiness of space with every fiber of his being. And then he’d gone and made it worse by separating from the others.

He hadn’t thought things through.

He’d simply heard Lance tell him that when he ran away, he should have stayed away. And his ears started ringing and his head become fuzzy and the team was holding together by the arms too tight, too tight. He fired back, he snapped at the others, he couldn’t stop himself, and of course that had only hurt matters more.

“Just drift off on your own, Mr. Lone Wolf,” Lance had said.

So he did.

Someone tried to grab at his ankle as he left, a couple of voices called his name. But he ignored them. He kicked the hand away and let space take him and let the others fade into the distance and the stifling blackness all around him.

It had been a stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do.

That’s what came of not thinking things through, he supposed. He’d drifted off more as a statement than anything, and there went with him the chance to retrieve his lion and figure out what was going on and, well, survive.

He could only hope Lance had been right about something coming along eventually. If not to him, then to the others, so they could get to their lions and maybe pick him up on their radar and –

_And what? They’ll find you and bring you back? Why would they?_

Keith whipped around as best he could floating there with no gravity to speak of, hand on his bayard. The little white pinpricks of stars around him seemed to spin, blurring in and out of focus, and it was starting to make his head throb.

He knew that voice, and God, it was louder now than it had been in a long time. It had floated off with him, it was sneaking up behind him and whispering into his ear.

No, no, it was just in his head. That’s the only way he could have heard it over the roaring of his own blood in his hears. That stupid voice that followed him around when he was at his lowest, the one that always sounded a little like every teacher or foster parent or social worker who had ever given up on him, and that now sounded just a hint like Allura, and Lance, and Kuron. The one that had followed him into the desert and off to the Blade.

And now it was back. In his head.

Space madness, Hunk had called it. Nothing real. Just being out here surrounded by nothing for so long.

_You weren’t surrounded by nothing, you had the others with you. You’re not going mad because you’re alone. You’re going mad because you’re you._

That wasn’t true. He was okay. He’d lost his bearings for a moment there, but now he had a chance to regain them, to right himself, to think things through. To take deep, calming breaths and remember that something was bound to come along. He could do this. He could stay calm. He had, after all, been the one to hold the group together when they’d been blasted away from their lions, and ensured that everyone kept their heads on straight.

_And look how well that turned out. Big bad leader drifting in the void, the others relieved to have you gone. Was that you trying to lead Keith? Why do you insist on trying?_

Because I have to.

_You don’t. You left, didn’t you? You left and they were perfectly fine._

I came back.

_Why?_

He shook his head. It hurt when he did so, left him feeling like someone had taken a hammer to his skull where his brain had batted against it, but it muffled the voice for a moment. No more than a moment, though. It came through again soon as strong as ever.

_Do you really think they wanted you to come back? Do you think they needed you? Do you remember them being happy to see you return? No? It’s because they weren’t, Keith. They were surprised. Not happy._

That wasn’t – no, they’d been happy to have him back, hadn’t they? They hadn’t said it, not in so many words. Or, in any words. But they had to have been. They told him when they’d left that they’d miss him.

_And you believed that?_

Shut up.

_Have you really not learned by now? How many families have told you they would keep in touch when they booted you out? How many times has someone promised not to leave your side and then disappeared? How many people have ever given you a second thought the moment you were out of their sight?_

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

_What made you think this time would be different? Because you were just oh-so-close to each other this time? Because of course the team that wields the most powerful force in the universe couldn’t possibly dream of going on without you? You know that’s not true. You know you’ve always been disposable._

Stop it.

_Expendable._

Please.

_Replaceable._

You’re lying.

_You’re refusing to see it. You’re trying to hide from it, trying to run away like you always do. Like you did with your so-called team. You claim that your problem is that you push people away, but that’s not it, is it? You don’t push, you run. You run and you hide like a fucking coward. Because you know you’re going to get hurt, and you know you deserve to be hurt, and you’re just too scared to face it. You’re just too scared to stick around long enough for it to happen. You don’t know how to be a coward? Bullshit. You don’t know how to be anything else._

He was clenching his teeth so hard he could swear he tasted iron, and something was happening with his vision. He wasn’t crying – he didn’t think his suit would spare him the moisture to do that. But his eyes weren’t working right. Maybe it was fatigue. How long had he been alone out here? He’d just left the others a few doboshes ago, hadn’t he? Or had it been a few quintants ago? He couldn’t remember.

_Does it matter? You’re going to die out here eventually. What difference does it make when?_

He might not die. Something might still come along for him.

_There’s nothing out here for lightyears but the lions, and they’re not coming for you. They don’t want you. They finally got rid of you, the last thing they’d do is bring you back. People don’t come back for you._

Shiro came back for me.

_Shiro tried to kill you._

That wasn’t him.

_And you didn’t even realize that. Shiro had died and you didn’t even notice. He had been replaced and you had accepted it without a second thought. And still you have the nerve to call yourself his friend. To call yourself his brother._

God, he was starting to feel sick. Floating in space, it was making him nauseous, but there was nothing in him to throw up for the relief, so he’d have to endure it.

_How can this not have yet gotten through your fucking skull? People don’t want you, Keith. They don’t want you as their friend, or their teammate, and they sure as hell don’t want you as their family. Where’s your precious family now, Keith?_

They’re –

_What about your mother? Didn’t she say that she was never going to leave you again? And you were so stupid, you actually thought she meant it._

She didn’t leave. She’s helping Kolivan for now, and she’s coming back.

_She’s not coming back. She tried with you, you know. She gave up two years trying. But you weren’t worth it. That’s always how it goes, doesn’t it? People take you in and try to fix you out of the goodness of their hearts, but you just refuse to be fixed. And once they finally realize it, once they finally realize that you’re always going to be a careless, selfish, hotheaded –_

Shut up.

_– worthless, cowardly, pathetic, needy –_

Shut up!

_– broken piece of shit –_

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

_– they toss you out in the dust for someone else to do the same and they’re so glad to be done with you, so relieved to have that burden out of their lives –_

With a roar of anger he swung out with his bayard, not caring that the voice wasn’t something physical that he could actually attack, or maybe just not remembering. His vision swam as the voice laughed, and it echoed in his head, dully but painfully.

_There you go, just swing a blade at your problems, that’ll fix everything. That’ll fix you. You’re wasting energy, you know. Wasting your water._

It doesn’t matter.

_No, it doesn’t, does it? You’ve been waiting for the chance to die for a long time now._

That’s not true. I never –

_They’re not going to miss you. If you’re trying to make some sort of statement by dying, if you think maybe they’ll suddenly care about you once you’re gone, they won’t. They didn’t before._

It’s… it’s not like that…

_They don’t care that you’re gone now. They never will._

Stop…

_It’s better this way._

It’s…

_Things are better without you._

Things are better…

_They don’t want you._

… I know.

* * *

 

He was nearly dead to the world by the time something actually came along. He sensed the presence of someone else rather than seeing or hearing it, and had tried to lift his bayard to them, tried to fight them off, tried to scream for them to go away, but he was just too tired. And he couldn’t see through the fog. So he let himself be dragged away, let heavy arms wrap around him and let his eyes fall closed, let himself be led away.

Let himself drift…

* * *

 

Someone had wrapped him in a blanket where he was seated on the floor of Black’s cargo hold. He hadn’t noticed who. He was barely noticing anything, still sort of out of it. Vaguely he was aware that some of Hunk’s warm food had found its way into his hands, and he stared down at it. Eyes on the food. And there were other eyes on him, watching him carefully. The others. The other paladins were there with him in Black, arranged in an awkward circle with him, each looking uncertain and worried and exhausted with pitch-black bags beneath their eyes.

They had found him, he remembered. They had shown up. He didn’t know how they’d gotten the lions back in working order, and he couldn’t really bring himself to care.

Something heavy was on his leg. A glance down told him that Kosmo was resting beside him, eyes closed, using Keith’s thigh as a pillow. Absently he reached up a shaking hand to comb it through the fur behind the wolf’s ear.

“Keith? Did you hear what I said?”

Keith blinked up at the others before identifying the voice as Lance’s and turning to the other boy. Lance’s brow was furrowed, and he fidgeted in his stance. Keith shook his head in answer to his question. No, he hadn’t heard.

“I said – I said sorry, Keith. I shouldn’t have said… what I said. About how you should have stayed away? I didn’t mean that.”

_He’s not sorry. He just feels guilty. Thinks he would have been blamed if you’d died out there, doesn’t want your blood on his hands. He would have loved to see you go._

“It’s okay,” Keith said, and he hated the way his voice cracked on the word.

_Yes, it’s okay. You forgive him, because, after all, he was right, wasn’t he? You should have stayed away._

“No, it’s not okay,” Lance said. “I – that was way out of line. I was stressed, you know? And I was tired and I was in a bad mood and – and – well, look, I shouldn’t have said it, all right?”

“And Keith?” Allura spoke up softly. “I don’t think you’re a bad leader.”

_Sure she doesn’t. She knows you’re the leader she’s stuck with, so she might as well grin and bear it._

“I’m the one who started it,” Keith said, voice rough. “I shouldn’t have bad-mouthed Alfor like that.”

“I know you didn’t mean it.”

_Didn’t you?_

He couldn’t remember. He didn’t think he’d meant it.

 _They meant what_ they _said. Why doesn’t the same apply to you?_

Keith took a long, slow, shuddering breath and shut his eyes against the faces staring at him, staring into him. He tried to direct all his focus on the hand moving through Kosmo’s fur.

“Keith?” That was Pidge’s voice now. “You… you know we didn’t _want_ you to leave, right? You know we missed you?”

_Bullshit._

He said nothing.

He said nothing for a long time, doboshes on end, before he felt a warm body next to him, on the opposite side of Kosmo. Big, smelling faintly of myriad spices. Hunk. “Are you okay, man?” he asked. “You, uh… you weren’t doing so good out there. And you were really freaking out when we found you out there, and, uh…”

Slowly Keith opened his eyes and looked up at Hunk, who was staring at him with wide, sincere eyes, like a puppy, waiting for his answer. “I – ”

_You’re what? Calling their bluff? Gonna tell them off? Why don’t you ask them why they never tried to get in touch with you when you were with the Blade? Or why none of them tried to stop you from going? Ask them why they think you want to be alone. Ask them why they don’t want to be around you._

_Ask them why they hate you._

“I’m sorry,” he said, and fuck, fuck, no, his eyes were starting to sting. He didn’t know how he’d been rehydrated, but now was a very bad time for it. The last thing he wanted was to cry in front of the others. “I’m sorry, Hunk, I’m so, so sorry. You’re not a coward.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Hunk whispered, and without warning he was enveloping Keith in a hug, and Keith had his face pressed against Hunk’s shoulder and, shit, he hadn’t stopped it in time, he was crying. He tried not to, tried to blink the tears back as he mumbled muffled apologies over and over and over. Someone, he couldn’t tell who, whispered, “Should we get Shiro, or…?” He felt Hunk shake his head.

“Keith, it’s all right. You didn’t mean it.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m – you’re not a coward, Hunk, you’re not. I’m the coward.” Hunk’s hug stiffened, but he kept going. “I ran. I ran, I always run, I – I’m sorry. I’m sorry for running, I’m – I’m sorry… for coming back…”

Hunk pulled away from the hug, taking Keith by the shoulders to hold him at arm’s length and stared, eyes round and horrified. “Keith!” he breathed. “You – do you really think that we’re _upset_ you came back?”

Keith glanced over toward Lance, who had the decency to duck his head in shame. “You don’t – I thought – I – I messed up. I messed it up…”

“Keith – ”

“You never – none of you ever said…” He sniffed, and holy fuck, did he sound pathetic right now. He wanted them all to just go away, except he didn’t want that, because he didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t know what he wanted. “I screwed this up. I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m – ”

And before he knew it, he was being tugged back into another hug, his face pressed forcefully against Hunk’s chest as he squeezed him like he thought Keith would evaporate into nothingness if he dared to let go. “Oh, God, Keith,” he said quietly. “God…”

“It’s okay if you hate me,” Keith mumbled.

“I don’t hate you, Keith.”

“You should.”

“But I don’t.”

“I ran away. I’m a shit leader and I ran and you were better without me and – ”

And suddenly another, smaller pair of arms was there, snaking around him from behind and joining the hug, Pidge’s glasses knocking lightly against his shoulder as she nestled her head there. “We weren’t better without you, Keith. We missed you.”

“But – ”

“We didn’t know we had to say it out loud,” Lance’s voice joined in. “We – shit, Keith, you really thought we hated you?”

“I just…”

A final pair of arms joined the others. “We’re sorry,” Allura said. “We are. You’re family, Keith. We just… didn’t realize you needed to hear it in words.”

And the pressure from the hugs was slowly starting to feel less suffocating, less like he was drowning in them, and they were warm and close and Keith wanted to believe them so badly.

“We’ll fix this, man,” Hunk said. “I swear, we’ll fix this. Whatever’s got you down in the dumps, we’ll make it better, okay?”

“… Okay.”

“You’re as much a part of this team as any of us. We’ll show you.”

Keith nodded his head, burrowing deeper into Hunk’s embrace. Let himself listen to the other’s heartbeat, let it ground him, stabilize him, beat steadily like a repeating promise.

_They’re lying._

Keith knew that. But, for now at least, he wanted to pretend. For just a little while, he could let it be true.


End file.
